Still Not Quite There (Not Even Close)

Finding my feet in the writing process appears to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I am torn between writing in a style that is recognised and sticking to the person I am and writing with my own fluidity. The latter sounds far preferable, if only I knew what it really meant all of the time. The writer inside me is inconsistent, untamed and unconventional, making it an uphill struggle; perhaps writing in the traditional style is the easiest thing to do.
I used to feel 'called' by my writing, I used to feel that it owned me. Looking back over writing in my past it was far more inspired than anything I have written in the last 5 years. Does that relect the pain I was going through in the early years of my life? Does it mean the onlyway to inspire my writing is to be in a constant state of heightened emotional being? If it does, you can bloody well keep it.
I found as I got older the more self aware became. I was suddenly aware of the consequences of my actions, the way people would change their thoughts of me because of certain movements; that s not to say that I want to act in an immoral way, but I have become aware that everything I do is notice and scrutinised by those around me. I don't feel the freedom to act as myself anymore, there are too many other aspects to consider. I think that this feeling has found its way into my writing and I have locked the door on any artistic quality my life previously had.
Sounding so final is not what I mean, of course, my life is far from over. I shall have to go through a process of finding my self (or losing my self consciousness) and becoming an artist again. I have said that I have been studying the way of the buddhist and although I have not been successful yet, I have learnt a lot about myself. Something that is meant to last a week will certainly take me a month to practise and perfect, but I will get there. It starts with positive thought, something that the majority of people would find a difficult concept these days. I find it most difficult not for others or the world around me, but for myself.
I find it difficult to think of myself in positive terms for longer than a couple of hours. When the novelty wears off and I am tired of making the conscious choice to think well of myself I have a tendency to let my guard slip. As our negative thoughts are involuntary (so I am told) it is all too easy for my brain to follow the mould it has been forced into for the last 20 years; back to negativity it goes. I have found it much easier to look on the brightside when I am interacting with others, although this is something I need to practise for it to become automatic, it is dealing with myself that I find most difficult. This is simply a habit I have to break. I think it has had a huge impact on my writing, back then I believed in myself, my choices and my actions were my own alone and for that reason I could believe in my writing too. Self doubt has led me to handcuff myself to wondering what other people might thnk if they saw me.
I am not ashamed of becoming this way, I am simply working to get out of the situation. Becoming a writer will be a far greater, fasr longer road than I ever thought it would; the further I travel, the more determined I become and - I hope - the more successful!